A little change...

I have decided to change my blog today, since Steve will be leaving in less than two weeks. I have now decided to blog about life during a deployment and hope that people can kind of relate to what I am going through. Most likely you won't, but at least it will give you an idea of what goes on with families left behind.

It still hasn't clicked that my husband will be leaving for six months in less than two weeks, but I am trying to tell myself in my head that it IS going to happen. It is so hard to fathom Steve being gone for six months out of my life. Being stationed here in California we are 3000 miles away from all of our family, so Steve is my ONLY family I have here besides our kids. He is my best friend, my comedian, my cheerleader, and my confidant. I don't know what I am going to do without him. It's kind of like my dog Samson. He follows me around the house all day long. When I go to bed, he goes to bed. He knows that at any given moment I might turn around and talk to him, pet him, or even feed him. If I go into my bedroom and shut my door and an hour later open it, he will be sitting there waiting. That will be me while Steve is gone. I will be like Samson sitting on the other side of the door waiting for it to be opened again, so I can see him. I will be lost without Steve here and will be looking forward to the day we are reunited again.

The last time Steve left I went into a depression and actually started taking anti-depressants while he was gone. Not too many people know that fact about me, but I thought I would put it out there. This time I have vowed that it is going to be different. I am a strong woman and can overcome anything, in fact I already have overcome more than most people do in a lifetime. I want to be strong and confident for my children this time. I want them to know that life is going to be the same while daddy is away. They need this stability to make it through the deployment themselves. We all know children are resilient, but I have seen how my children are while their daddy is away. Tyler is an internalizes everything. He keeps it all inside and acts out in anger over minor things. He knows his dad is gone, but doesn't understand the "why" yet. He knows his dad is coming back, but doesn't understand the exact "when" yet. This is hard on him, so he gets angry and acts out some. Chelsea is my emotional child. She is on an emotional roller coaster while her dad is away. She understands too much and knows the dangers that can pose a threat to her dad. Jaelyn was too young the last time, so it's hard to say how she will act this time. I am hoping she will do well, but she is a true daddy's girl.

So today I will go on with my day and cherish every moment I have with my husband, even though I don't "feel" like he is going anywhere. One moment I will be sad and thinking about him leaving, and the next I am treating him like he isn't go anywhere. It's just as hard on him and I know that. I try to make the best of it and ease his pain the best I can. It's just a lose-lose situation at this point. Nobody really gets through this deployment happily.

Coming home early!

Yesterday we got a call from Chelsea's camp counselor and she said their is an opportunity for Chelsea (and the other girls) to stay at camp six more days. At first I was worried because she wouldn't get back until the 9th and Steve leaves a few days after that, but Steve said that she would have more fun up there than here with us...so I let her stay. Well then we got a call tonight and they are all coming home tomorrow..... EARLY! There are a bunch of fires up there right now and the air quality is really poor and making it really difficult for them to do any of their activities. This makes me sad because according to Chelsea's counselor, she is having a BLAST!
So tomorrow we will make the early trip down to Richmond, to pick up our teenager. We have missed Chelsea so much around here. I don't always give her enough credit for all she does for me. She can be such a big help with Jaelyn and Tyler (especially now that she is babysitting age) and she also enjoys helping me out around the house too.

Chelsea took it the hardest when we got news that G was leaving. She got the closest to him and they kind of related to each other in a unique way. I feel bad for Chelsea that she had to lose a good friend and brother, but I know she is slowly getting over the loss. I was hoping that camp would help her to see that life goes on and that G is doing his best to enjoy his new home because he has too.
G is doing great in his new home. He is now with two other boys close to his age and he loves it. Each weekend they go to his foster moms sister's place and work. He earns money each time he works there. I think that is the best thing for him. It is good for him to learn to work at his age. Sadly it won't be long and he will be emancipated and living on his own.

My preschool is coming along nice. I actually am thrilled to say that I got a GREAT deal at a garage sale yesterday morning! It is a provider that does care off base for many, many years now and she was downsizing her stuff. I got a water/sand table, kitchen set. table and chairs (kid size) grocery cart, and a bunch of puzzles for only $15.00! It is in great shape too! It makes a huge difference in my dramatic play area and my outside. I am so excited to open, but still have over a month to wait. I will be doing drop-in care and temporary full-time care if needed, so that should help tie me over. My package goes in front of the board the 3rd Tuesday of July, so it won't be long!

Hope everyone is enjoying their summer so far. Things are obviously busy around here. The smoke has slowed us down some, but not much. This week is Steve's last week at work (he is only working 1/2 days) so we are going to try and find as much fun stuff as we can to do before he leaves.

Yes! He's still here.

As I peaked out of my eyes bright and early this morning, I rolled over to look at Steve's side of the bed and my heart lept for joy as I saw him sleeping soundly. I must of had a dream that he had already left for his deployment because for some reason I thought he was gone. My heart did sink though as I remembered how short of a time we have left together as a family. I am not sure what is going on with me emotionally, but my heart feels like he isn't going anywhere...even though my brain tells me otherwise. I haven't been really sad or depressed yet, which is weird for me because he leaves in two weeks. TWO WEEKS and my husband will be away from his family and friends for a whole six months. Again we are going to miss my favorite time of the year together, Fall. All of the Holiday's will once again be spent apart not only from my family, but away from Steve too. I of course will put my big girl panties (not so big anymore though) on and march on with our life as we know it. It is best for the kids if our lives don't get too crazy and hectic. Too much change is not good for them, so I want to keep things as normal as possible. The kids adore their daddy and it will be a tough day to get through that first day after he leaves. I found out that we will be taking him to the airport and dropping him off first thing in the morning. I am sure he will have me drop him off at the curb, since he doesn't like goodbyes. I know it sounds harsh to drop off at the curb, but it really makes it quick and easy to say goodbye. We will do all of our BIG goodbyes the night before.

Deployments aren't easy for anyone and there is so much controversy over who has it the worst, the deployed member or their families left behind. I would say the men and women fighting for our freedom over there right now have it the worst. I have a nice warm bed to sleep in and a clean shower to wash in whenever my little heart desires. Most don't have that over there at all and most of them are lucky to have a cot to call their own. Since we have been in the Air Force the deployments keep getting longer and longer, they are now up to six months for the Air Force. I am lucky though because I know people in the Army who haven't seen their spouse in 18 months! I couldn't imagine at all.

Well, there isn't anything I can do at this point to change the deployment. Like I said, I just have to suck it up and be tough. As I sit here today and prepare my home for the opening of my preschool in August, I realize that I have a tough, but busy road ahead. I am trying to focus on the positive things such as, VBS in three weeks, the preschool at Church, opening my preschool here at home, and also going home to Ohio for Christmas. These things and my children keep me from hiding in my bed all day long, sulking about being all alone. I am a tough, strong, independent mommy and I with God, I can do ANYTHING.

Here are TONS of pictures and ALL out of order of course. We have been busy the past few weeks around here. I can't wait to share pictures of my transformed house into a preschool in the next couple of weeks. Besides my upstairs, I kept the living room as ours. The rest....well preschool kind of took over. The kids are downstairs enjoying all the new toys and games and dress up clothes I brought home today. I am praying that these fires let up some and we can have clean air again to enjoy the outside. The kids and I have been stuck in the house ALL WEEK due to the unhealthy air, with Tyler's asthma I can't take any chances. I promise I will update soon on everything else. I am trying to enjoy all the time I can with my husband and family.



My little girl all grown up now! She is officially a teenager now. She was so excited about going to Camp for the first time. I was so nervous for her because she is going to be gone for 9 day! We all miss her so much around here. I know she is having a blast though!

Chelsea getting ready to board the bus.
This is the sun this morning. We have so much smoke here we can't even go outside. The air quality is so poor here for the past week or so. I am hoping it will clear up soon. The kids being stuck in the house is driving me crazy.
While Steve and the kids were home, the guys took the boys to a Cleveland Indian's game. The boys night out. This was Tyler's first baseball game ever. I was so excited for him and made Steve take a ton of pictures.

Tyler and Percy at the game.
I can see you! My goofy boy!
My crazy son and his crazy daddy.
And now he is passed out on the way home.
My sweet 13 year old daughter. I can't believe she is now a teenager! Time flies by too quickly. In just a few short year, I will have a driving daughter. That is SOOOOOO scary!

Steve and my cousin's son Nick.
Here is some of my family hanging out at Grandma Johnson's house. Steve went over for a BBQ and hung out with my side of the family for a while. They had a great time. See my cousin Danny in the red shirt? Him and his dad and my other cousin, Jeff are so tall! Jeff is 6'7" and Danny is 6'5". Now can you see where Chelsea gets her height from?
Jaelyn and Victoria again. Not sure why this is blurry?
The two musicians...they both have a passion for music. Steve bragged about how good Annie is when it comes to playing the piano and creating songs. This girl has a talent and I know she is going to put it to good use!
Tyler floating around one of the many times they went swimming.

Jaelyn and Maggie enjoying the water.
Everyone swimming at Kristi's house.
Grandpa and Jaelyn eating breakfast at McDonald's playland. This is Jaelyn's favorite place in the whole wide world.
Grandma with her kids! Yes, Chelsea is missing from this picture. I am assuming she is at Grandma Johnson's. Amazingly she was there only one night this visit. That is a record for Cheslea.
Tyler and Percy all dressed for Church.

The Ousley gang! This is everyone all ready to go to Church.
Here is the sweetest little face! Steve kept going on and on how cute she is!
Here is my cutie nephew Alec! Isn't he adorable. Sorry the pictures aren't that great, but I had to leave that to my husband since I wasn't there!
Grandma and Grandpa threw the kids a birthday bash while they were home.
Jaelyn and Victoria became best buds during their visit. Jaelyn LOVES chatting on the phone with Victoria.

Jaelyn looking cute as ever! She loves smiling for the pictures. This is before they went to Ohio.
Mommy and Jaelyn hanging out at home. This is before they left for Ohio.
Mrs. Santini and Tyler on his last day of school. Can I just say I LOVE this teacher! She is the most organized, caring, and passionate teacher I have ever met. You can truly see how much she cares for these children in her work. We are really going to miss having Mrs. Santini next year.
Me and Steve at the terminal here on base. We are waiting for the bus to take them out to the plane. Don't mind how horrible I look! I was heading for the gym after they boarded the plane. Anything to keep my mind off of being all alone.
They didn't get to Grandma and Grandpa's house until 5am the next morning. After only a few hours of sleep, this is the first place Jaelyn went to of course.

Tyler enjoying one of Aunt Pam's little doggies.
Jaelyn and Tyler in Grandma's bathtub!

What was that?

This is my worst fear...that a huge earthquake hits and destroys everything. This is a picture of the San Francisco City Hall after the 1906 Earthquake. Pretty sad isn't it?

That was an earthquake! Last night as Steve,me, Chelsea and G were sitting in the living room watching tv, we felt the whole EARTH move!! Yes, we experienced our FIRST and hopefully ONLY earthquake last night at 7:29 pm. It was in Green Valley, Ca, which is the next town over!

I was sitting on the couch and felt the whole thing move. It kind of takes you by surprise at first cause your not sure if you are imagining things or if it is real. It's such a surreal feeling. It was a 3.9 on the Richter scale, which isn't that big, but big enough to me. My complete fear since being here in California is that a huge earthquake will happen.

On other news, G is leaving us next week to go to a new home. I have mixed feelings about this because although I know it's best for him, I am going to miss him very much around here. I know my kids are heartbroken too. He is actually very excited and can't wait to leave, but I am sure (or hoping) it's just a coping mechanism. He is going to miss more around here than he realizes and I just hope that he had a good experience while he was here. So, G is leaving for the weekend to get to know his new family and my husband and kids are leaving this weekend to go and see family back home. That leaves me ALL ALONE! I am not happy about this, but I am going to make the best of it. I am going to get alot done around the house preparing for preschool and get all the exercise in I can. Who knows, I might live at the gym while they are gone?

It's also the end of the year again. I am happy to see my kids finish up another school year, but sad that they are moving up to another grade. That means they are getting closer to graduating. Chelsea will be going into the 8th grade next year, Tyler in 2nd grade, and Jaelyn in my preschool. Where has the time gone? The older I get the faster it goes and it makes me so sad because these are the years I want to be enjoying the most.

Be looking for me to be posting lots next week due to having NOTHING else to do around here. I haven't been alone, by myself for a week in years. I am not even sure what to do with myself. If anyone has any suggestions, feel free to leave them in my comment box...Lol. Please pray that we don't have anymore earthquakes while I am all alone!

Running out of Time

Do you ever wish you could just stop time? Just stay in the very moment for as long as you wish? That is how I have been feeling lately. I just want to stop time, so my husband can stay here with his family and we can be together always. Well, we all know that stopping time isn't possible, so I guess that means my husband will be leaving shortly. I am down to six weeks with Steve here and it just seems to be like a roller coaster ride..it keeps getting faster and faster and I don't know where the brake is.

When you think of six months, do you think "oh that's not that long" or do you think " boy that is HALF of a year?" So much can change in a month let alone six months. Alot has been going through my head lately of the upcoming deployment. Different feelings like being excited about starting my pre-school, sad about "G" leaving, even more sad about parenting three kids alone without my husband by my side. When I say alone, I mean alone too. It's not like I have either sets of parents in the same town to get a break when I need one, or even a few hours away. I am all the way across the country from any family whatsoever. I am alone. In a way it can be very depressing, but lately I have been trying to stay focused on all the postitives of being alone. There are some believe it or not. I would much rather have my husband here than the positive things, but I'll take what I can get. Technically I am not all alone, I do have God to turn to whenever I am in need, I have great and wonderful friends around me that are just a phone call away, and I have my kids by my side.

I can't even fathom what Steve goes through over there by himself. I am lucky to have my church, my friends, but most of all my kids. Can you imagine going six months without seeing your children? Not being able to give them a hug or kiss, or to just hold them when they are tired or sad? I couldn't imgaine it at all. I hate thinking about Steve being over there alone, but he is like me and makes the best of any situation. He misses his children terribly, but makes up for it by webcams, letters, gifts, and phone calls. It isn't the same as having him here, but we do what we have to do. That is what our whole military career has been, just doing what we have to do.

I don't regret Steve's decision to join the military one bit. Am I sad that he has to leave me? Yes. Am I sad that we are far away from family? Yes. Taking a look at the economy right now I can honestly say that I am so happy that we are where we are in Steve's career. Not only the medical benefits, but also housing, food, and just having a family oriented neighborhood helps too. I believe with ALL MY HEART that the military life has made my marriage stronger than ever, has made me appreciate my family and Steve's family way more than if I lived close by, and also has made me a better parent to my children. I have had to be both the mother and father to my children for extended periods of time and it has made me a better parent. It isn't always easy, but what is easy in life?

Saying all of this, I overheard my amazing husband chatting away with his brother on the phone the other day and it just dawned on me...he needs to go home and see his family. You all know that we had a major set-back with our vehicle on the way back from Texas and that canceled our trip home to Ohio this summer. But as I heard my husband talk to his brother about wishing they could go golfing together, I knew deep in my heart that we had to get him home one way or the other. He hung up from his phone conversation and I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his neck and said "You need to go home." I could see the dollar bill signs chinging in his eyes and the look of "we can't afford it" and I just told him that nothing is more important than family. So after some major talking and a phone call or two, we have decided that Steve and the kids are going to hop home for a week! Yes, you heard me right- Steve and the kids. I will be hanging behind because I can't get approval for "G" that soon and find a place for my dogs to go. They will be leaving in 9 days and that just isn't enough time to get the arrangements made, plus I have my licensing class that week for my preschool. It is the only time they can come due to Chelsea going to summer school, so that is that. I am so excited for them to go home and my husband to be able to see all of his family before he takes off for six months. Six months is such a long time and his grandparents aren't getting any younger and I would hate for him to go over there and something happen and him have to live with that regret. I know very much what it's like to live with regret and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.Ever.

"G" is doing great. He is being a normal teenager. We are having more and more anger issues with him right now and are working on those things. I see a big change in Chelsea that I don't like with "G" here. The two of them together just don't go well. "G" court hearing is in July, around the time that Steve leaves, and it isn't looking like he is going back with his mom. It breaks my heart badly to see this family torn apart all because of drugs, but this isn't the first time I have seen this in family's. In fact, it happened to my dad and my stepmom. So "G" will be going into permenant care and leaving our home. We knew from the start that adoption wasn't an option for us. "G" doesn't understand the military life at all and when Steve was gone for the six weeks he just couldn't comprehend making any sacrafices on his part. It looks like "G" will be leaving the first week of July or sooner. They are working on a place for him to go and hopefully it will be with his brother and sister. They all so desperatly want to be together. I will keep you posted on "G" and when he actually leaves. My heart is heavy for him, but I just have to look at the positive and hope and pray that I have taught him some skills that he can use out in the real world one day. I know the one I am hoping he carries with him the most and that is his relationship with God.

Boy I had a lot to say! I just felt like I had to get so much off of my chest. I have been battling being bummed, being sick (think it's allergies/Sinus), and working on getting my house ready for pre-school...AND my heart ready for "G" to leave. It hasn't been an easy past month or so and the more time that goes by, the more I get upset about my husband leaving. This is how dingy I am- I just realized a week ago that my husband won't be here for Christmas. I don't know why I was thinking July - December was six months. Nope. It's only five. I have to make it all the way to January! Duh! But I will find the positive in it and work on that. Just give me time.

Oh. One more thing. I am still doing great on Weight Watchers. I am down 35lbs now! WOW! I am done losing weight and just trying to figure out how to maintain now. This week was my first week trying to maintain and I lost 2.5lbs. Not sure what is going on, but I will figure it out soon enough. I am very happy with my self image right now, but bummed cause I HAVE NO CLOTHES! Soon, I will have to do some shopping! Darn.

Guess who is FOUR today??

Daddy's Little girl....
The big sister

The big brother
Mommy's gang...
What a little peanut

One of our first photo sessions...ha ha...don't you love my outfit?

I was 36 weeks pregnant here...

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Today was Jaelyn's birthday and it was a such a great and fun day for us. We started it off by singing Happy Birthday to her. The poor girl is so confused due to us having her actual party last Saturday. She now thinks she has two birthdays a year or something!

We then started our day off by making her birthday cake together, then headed to Subway to pick up some lunch for us and headed to Duck pond once again. We ate lunch with her best friends Hannah and Tess and of course her daddy! Daddy joined us during his lunch to share her special day.

We ended Jaeyln's special day with a pizza dinner and we ordered "Alvin and The Chipmunks" for us to watch as a family. Of course there was cake involved and some singing too. Make sure you watch the video on the scrapbook. She is turning into such a character....

I remember so clearly four years ago today heading to the hospital and getting ready to have Jaelyn. I was prepared for a scheduled C-section the very next day, but Jaelyn had to make her appearance now! She was the cutest little baby girl born with tons of hair. I tried to soak in everything I could when she was born because I knew that she was going to be my last one. It was very bittersweet, but I don't regret my decision one bit. Jaelyn has been a blessing in my life just like my other children are too. I have learned through foster care though that they don't have to be born from your body to be born into your heart.

Thank you Jesus for my precious little baby girl that you have blessed us with and trusted us with. She is such a beautiful girl and has such a sweet spirit and love for you Lord and I am just the proudest mommy in the world. Please protect her in her journey in life and watch over her as she grows into a young woman. Thank you for all that you have done in my life and all that you are going to do.

In Jesus' name we pray...
Amen

I know it's been a while since I have posted on here. It has been crazy busy around here and I have lots to talk about, but I am just going to post this slideshow for now. Most of the pics you have already seen, but thought I would post them anyways!

Hope everyone is enjoying the Spring like me! I have been doing TONS of spring cleaning around my house the past few weeks. It looks great now and it makes me feel so much better.

I have now lost 31lbs and still going. I have about five to seven more pounds to lose and I will then go to maintaining stage. That is the hardest stage of all! I am running now for 30 min and walking for 20 at least four times a week. I haven't felt this great in years. I am actually considering signing up for a marathon in the Fall. I think it would be a blast.

So about the news I was going to share a few weeks ago, I am opening a pre-school in my home in August! I debated getting a job out in the real world, but couldn't imagine being a single, WORKING mother, so I decided to do what is best for Jaelyn anyways and open my own pre-school. I am so excited about it and have been working on getting my house ready for inspection..hence the Spring cleaning. I will keep Jaelyn at home for pre-school due to lack of pre-schools on base. This also helped me make my decision to open a pre-school. There is only one other pre-school on base and it has 78 children on the wait list! Jaelyn wouldn't get in until 1st grade!!

So there you have it, the past few weeks wrapped up in a nut shell. Actually there is more going on, but I will share that in the next few weeks. There has been a new develpment with G and I am going to dedicate a whole post talking about it, when I get time! I just have trouble sitting on here long enough to type a few paragraphs.

Thank you Jesus for the beautiful Spring day here in California. I give you all the praise and Glory for all things. I want to thank You in advance for what you are going to do in my life and my family's life. Please watch over my children as they leave for school for the day. I pray a hedge of protection around them as they go out into this crazy society we have. In Jesus' name we pray..

Amen

Make a slideshow - it's easy!