Running out of Time

Do you ever wish you could just stop time? Just stay in the very moment for as long as you wish? That is how I have been feeling lately. I just want to stop time, so my husband can stay here with his family and we can be together always. Well, we all know that stopping time isn't possible, so I guess that means my husband will be leaving shortly. I am down to six weeks with Steve here and it just seems to be like a roller coaster ride..it keeps getting faster and faster and I don't know where the brake is.

When you think of six months, do you think "oh that's not that long" or do you think " boy that is HALF of a year?" So much can change in a month let alone six months. Alot has been going through my head lately of the upcoming deployment. Different feelings like being excited about starting my pre-school, sad about "G" leaving, even more sad about parenting three kids alone without my husband by my side. When I say alone, I mean alone too. It's not like I have either sets of parents in the same town to get a break when I need one, or even a few hours away. I am all the way across the country from any family whatsoever. I am alone. In a way it can be very depressing, but lately I have been trying to stay focused on all the postitives of being alone. There are some believe it or not. I would much rather have my husband here than the positive things, but I'll take what I can get. Technically I am not all alone, I do have God to turn to whenever I am in need, I have great and wonderful friends around me that are just a phone call away, and I have my kids by my side.

I can't even fathom what Steve goes through over there by himself. I am lucky to have my church, my friends, but most of all my kids. Can you imagine going six months without seeing your children? Not being able to give them a hug or kiss, or to just hold them when they are tired or sad? I couldn't imgaine it at all. I hate thinking about Steve being over there alone, but he is like me and makes the best of any situation. He misses his children terribly, but makes up for it by webcams, letters, gifts, and phone calls. It isn't the same as having him here, but we do what we have to do. That is what our whole military career has been, just doing what we have to do.

I don't regret Steve's decision to join the military one bit. Am I sad that he has to leave me? Yes. Am I sad that we are far away from family? Yes. Taking a look at the economy right now I can honestly say that I am so happy that we are where we are in Steve's career. Not only the medical benefits, but also housing, food, and just having a family oriented neighborhood helps too. I believe with ALL MY HEART that the military life has made my marriage stronger than ever, has made me appreciate my family and Steve's family way more than if I lived close by, and also has made me a better parent to my children. I have had to be both the mother and father to my children for extended periods of time and it has made me a better parent. It isn't always easy, but what is easy in life?

Saying all of this, I overheard my amazing husband chatting away with his brother on the phone the other day and it just dawned on me...he needs to go home and see his family. You all know that we had a major set-back with our vehicle on the way back from Texas and that canceled our trip home to Ohio this summer. But as I heard my husband talk to his brother about wishing they could go golfing together, I knew deep in my heart that we had to get him home one way or the other. He hung up from his phone conversation and I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his neck and said "You need to go home." I could see the dollar bill signs chinging in his eyes and the look of "we can't afford it" and I just told him that nothing is more important than family. So after some major talking and a phone call or two, we have decided that Steve and the kids are going to hop home for a week! Yes, you heard me right- Steve and the kids. I will be hanging behind because I can't get approval for "G" that soon and find a place for my dogs to go. They will be leaving in 9 days and that just isn't enough time to get the arrangements made, plus I have my licensing class that week for my preschool. It is the only time they can come due to Chelsea going to summer school, so that is that. I am so excited for them to go home and my husband to be able to see all of his family before he takes off for six months. Six months is such a long time and his grandparents aren't getting any younger and I would hate for him to go over there and something happen and him have to live with that regret. I know very much what it's like to live with regret and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.Ever.

"G" is doing great. He is being a normal teenager. We are having more and more anger issues with him right now and are working on those things. I see a big change in Chelsea that I don't like with "G" here. The two of them together just don't go well. "G" court hearing is in July, around the time that Steve leaves, and it isn't looking like he is going back with his mom. It breaks my heart badly to see this family torn apart all because of drugs, but this isn't the first time I have seen this in family's. In fact, it happened to my dad and my stepmom. So "G" will be going into permenant care and leaving our home. We knew from the start that adoption wasn't an option for us. "G" doesn't understand the military life at all and when Steve was gone for the six weeks he just couldn't comprehend making any sacrafices on his part. It looks like "G" will be leaving the first week of July or sooner. They are working on a place for him to go and hopefully it will be with his brother and sister. They all so desperatly want to be together. I will keep you posted on "G" and when he actually leaves. My heart is heavy for him, but I just have to look at the positive and hope and pray that I have taught him some skills that he can use out in the real world one day. I know the one I am hoping he carries with him the most and that is his relationship with God.

Boy I had a lot to say! I just felt like I had to get so much off of my chest. I have been battling being bummed, being sick (think it's allergies/Sinus), and working on getting my house ready for pre-school...AND my heart ready for "G" to leave. It hasn't been an easy past month or so and the more time that goes by, the more I get upset about my husband leaving. This is how dingy I am- I just realized a week ago that my husband won't be here for Christmas. I don't know why I was thinking July - December was six months. Nope. It's only five. I have to make it all the way to January! Duh! But I will find the positive in it and work on that. Just give me time.

Oh. One more thing. I am still doing great on Weight Watchers. I am down 35lbs now! WOW! I am done losing weight and just trying to figure out how to maintain now. This week was my first week trying to maintain and I lost 2.5lbs. Not sure what is going on, but I will figure it out soon enough. I am very happy with my self image right now, but bummed cause I HAVE NO CLOTHES! Soon, I will have to do some shopping! Darn.