A little change...

I have decided to change my blog today, since Steve will be leaving in less than two weeks. I have now decided to blog about life during a deployment and hope that people can kind of relate to what I am going through. Most likely you won't, but at least it will give you an idea of what goes on with families left behind.

It still hasn't clicked that my husband will be leaving for six months in less than two weeks, but I am trying to tell myself in my head that it IS going to happen. It is so hard to fathom Steve being gone for six months out of my life. Being stationed here in California we are 3000 miles away from all of our family, so Steve is my ONLY family I have here besides our kids. He is my best friend, my comedian, my cheerleader, and my confidant. I don't know what I am going to do without him. It's kind of like my dog Samson. He follows me around the house all day long. When I go to bed, he goes to bed. He knows that at any given moment I might turn around and talk to him, pet him, or even feed him. If I go into my bedroom and shut my door and an hour later open it, he will be sitting there waiting. That will be me while Steve is gone. I will be like Samson sitting on the other side of the door waiting for it to be opened again, so I can see him. I will be lost without Steve here and will be looking forward to the day we are reunited again.

The last time Steve left I went into a depression and actually started taking anti-depressants while he was gone. Not too many people know that fact about me, but I thought I would put it out there. This time I have vowed that it is going to be different. I am a strong woman and can overcome anything, in fact I already have overcome more than most people do in a lifetime. I want to be strong and confident for my children this time. I want them to know that life is going to be the same while daddy is away. They need this stability to make it through the deployment themselves. We all know children are resilient, but I have seen how my children are while their daddy is away. Tyler is an internalizes everything. He keeps it all inside and acts out in anger over minor things. He knows his dad is gone, but doesn't understand the "why" yet. He knows his dad is coming back, but doesn't understand the exact "when" yet. This is hard on him, so he gets angry and acts out some. Chelsea is my emotional child. She is on an emotional roller coaster while her dad is away. She understands too much and knows the dangers that can pose a threat to her dad. Jaelyn was too young the last time, so it's hard to say how she will act this time. I am hoping she will do well, but she is a true daddy's girl.

So today I will go on with my day and cherish every moment I have with my husband, even though I don't "feel" like he is going anywhere. One moment I will be sad and thinking about him leaving, and the next I am treating him like he isn't go anywhere. It's just as hard on him and I know that. I try to make the best of it and ease his pain the best I can. It's just a lose-lose situation at this point. Nobody really gets through this deployment happily.